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Hello: Family and Friends, Am I Not Suffering Enough For You To Feel Strong Enough To Catch Me?

Post Published: 02 September 2010
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Category: Dear Thyroid Letters
This post currently has 9 responses. Leave a comment

Dear Missing Thyroid,

Why do I think I have to be the nice guy here and feel that I am supposed to always be strong and understanding. Well, right now I am not feeling the love. I just want to scream “fuck you” to everyone who tells me they understand when they DON’T! Right now the only safe haven I have is right here at DT.  Why do I feel so boxed in right now? What I really need is to cry and feel scared and not be ashamed of these feelings.

Every time I think things are “normal” something else happens. So it’s been one year since you were buried somewhere in thyroid-land but my body can’t figure out how to regulate its levels. I had such hopes when the doctor told me no problem, we have a pill that will substitute for your missing thyroid. Bullshit!

And when I have to get a Pap smear or a Mammogram, it freaks me out because when I get the call that I have to come back in for a retest, it scares the hell out of me. In the past when I got “the call” it was no big deal. That’s because whether it was a breast biopsy or abnormal Pap, it never went further than that. Well, dang, those days are over. I can’t help but worry what might happen if . . . Why do we do that to ourselves? I constantly fool myself thinking I can deal with this, but deep down I am a nervous Nellie.  I don’t want to be scared and I don’t want to deal.

I try to live each day in the present moment. Sometimes I want to dream about my future, what it will be like, but I can no longer do that, because I never know when I’m going to get “the call” that says you need to come back in.

Today is cloudy and dark. Hopefully tomorrow will be clear and bright.

Why does it feel so difficult to go with the flow? Help me understand how to deal, please?

☮ ♥
Monica

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9 Responses to “Hello: Family and Friends, Am I Not Suffering Enough For You To Feel Strong Enough To Catch Me?”

  1. Linny says:

    Dear Monica,
    I hear you cry and I DO KNOW PERSONNALLY what you are dreading….
    It is difficult to stay positive when all is “going down” but I have been doing a lot of study on the impact of positive thought. As much as we do worry, and I do too, I have a thought, and it will spin and be present everwhere I go.
    Be brave, we care about you so much and you’re so right we DO have DL to hug and hold and listen. That is A LOT. I don’t know what the deal is with these other people in our lives did they get zapped too from the radiation and now can’t function properly????
    LOL……..:) love, Linny

  2. jillautumn says:

    Monica,

    I am currently going through one thing after another and am now at a point where I feel like I am going to throw-up every time my phone rings. I am going “back-in” to the office today. I hope tomorrow is clear and bright too.

    We are with you.

  3. HDinOregon says:

    Monica,

    I know exactly how you feel when you say you’re afraid of the phone ringing. Been there, got the “C” word more than once. The wait is awful!

    Hang in there. My virtual shoulder is always there for you.

    Jill,

    I am keeping my fingers crossed for you for your appointment today. Rooting for ya!!

    {{{ Hugs to both of you }}}
    HD

  4. KLHall says:

    You wrote: “I had such hopes when the doctor told me no problem, we have a pill that will substitute for your missing thyroid. Bullshit!”

    Boy, did THAT resonate with me! I have one of the classic by-the-numbers endos, and I’m at the end of my rope with her.

    The only advice I feel qualified to offer you myself is that as shitty as this non-stop suffering and frustration and worry are, they’re still boatloads better than the alternative. There will always be people here (people who GET IT!) to listen and to help you. Please use us as much as you need to in order to cope. The people closest to you in your everyday life don’t always understand, and that’s okay. Turn to us instead. 🙂

  5. GinnyInIN says:

    Wish I were there with you, we could scream & cry together. There will always be people who don’t “hear” or who don’t “get it”. So many, I’m giving up answering when they say “How are you?” They really don’t want to know. When I tell them “I’m outta gas” — they don’t get it. They think it’s a cute way of saying “I’m tired.” Thinking of just smiling and saying “I’m fi.” and leave it at that. They wouldn’t notice. Hoping for peace for you. ♥

  6. m says:

    Monica,

    It feels hard to go with the flow, b/c the flow is normal…and we are anything but! From tests, to dr’s to treatment…they confirm that.

    But here’s the thing, beyond those tests, treatment and dr’s appts. we are NORMAL. We feel, we desire, we wish, we dream, we pray, we cuss…. and we HOPE.

    Don’t live in fear over the phone call. That’s the same thing as holding your breath until that call…eventually you will turn blue! 🙂

    You can become involved in various means of spreading the word (check out Joannisbill’s petition on this site) but you have already taken the first step- sharing your story/battle! It’s amazing how writing releases some of that burden! In addition to knowing that others here share a similar set of circumstances…a common bond.

    Here’s hoping you see that silver lining in that dark cloud!

    I’ll leave you with words that help me get through:
    1. Fight- for what you want, what you dream, what you hope
    2. Embrace- your feelings, your emotions don’t hide from them.
    3. Live- don’t let the dark cloud prevent you from living..otherwise the disease wins.

    Hugs,
    M

  7. Monica says:

    Thanks, Linny, Jill, HD, KL and Ginny.

    Your words and support mean more to me than I can express here in words. I do know the next time I start feeling this way, I will revisit your words and know I am never alone.

    Wish I could reach through the screen and give you all HUGE HUGS!

    ☮ ♥
    Monica

  8. 5dogsmom says:

    Mind travel is alive and real. How is it that all of you know the horrid state of mind and body in which I dwell this night? KL, we must have twin doctors who were seperated at birth, and attended the same medical school. The school that covered thyroid issues while they were in the can. I, too believed that once my wingless little butterfly glad was medical waste, treating my hypothyroidism would be a snap. What a fool, what a damn fool was I.

    Not that I wish to have you back. No, no, dear,departed, thyroid, I am glad you were put out of my misery. If only my surgeon would have allowed me to stomp, and kick your ass before you mingled with other unfaithful organs; cheaters all, proud to have caused pain and suffering in bodies not deserving of such misery. If you had a spark of life remaining, perhaps you bragged of your conquests and how you tormented me. Smug in your evil mind as to how long I suffered before YOU were implicated, found guilty and sentenced to death. Oh, but you had a good run, didn’t you?

    The weight you and your partner- Bipolar- added to my stressed body, now puts me at high risk for stroke, heart attack, and a myraid of other disorders/diseases and syndromes. The list is endless. It is your fault that I have searched in vain for a doctor who knows the seriousness of my condition, who can read my medical chart and grasp that I DON’T HAVE A FREAKING THYROID IN MY NECK!! I want a doctor who knows more than I,the patient. My latest candidate has failed miserably. He didn’t think it necessary to let me know my TSH was 0.006/ my T-4:1.85 and my T-3: 7.1. I have every symptom of Thyroid Storm except the high fever. My blood pressure was elevated to a level I have never had, my pulse was 108 at rest and I could barely speak. I stuttered, slurred and could not hold anything because of tremors. Obviously, he did not notice the ratty hair, wrinkled clothes and dead eyes.

    Too weak to sit and wait for his glorious appearing, I curled up on the exam table, trying to shrink my body tight enough to force out some of the poison that has made me suicidal& homocidal.

    As an added feature to my visit to MD hell, I read the results of C-Reactive Protein, that somehow managed to be on my copy of the labs. It was 11.6mg/L- more than twice the normal range. This indicates several conditions; the most scary being heart attack or stroke. Did he worry? Did he discuss cause and treatment? Was he apolgetic for not getting off his ass long enough to have someone call me and see how I felt? No, no, and no. These labs were done on 22 July. I can not imagine what they are now. I didn’t notice the bonus feature to my Lab results until I was home, and the office was closed. Of course it was!!! A good scream into the telephone would have made me feel better for a time, but in the grand scheme, I am still very sick. He wants to “check” how I am doing on Thursday. He better be wearing combat gear, because I am
    ready for a fire fight. Thanks to all who read this far.
    Linda

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