Hello: Family and Friends, Am I Not Suffering Enough For You To Feel Strong Enough To Catch Me?
Dear Missing Thyroid,
Why do I think I have to be the nice guy here and feel that I am supposed to always be strong and understanding. Well, right now I am not feeling the love. I just want to scream “fuck you” to everyone who tells me they understand when they DON’T! Right now the only safe haven I have is right here at DT. Why do I feel so boxed in right now? What I really need is to cry and feel scared and not be ashamed of these feelings.
Every time I think things are “normal” something else happens. So it’s been one year since you were buried somewhere in thyroid-land but my body can’t figure out how to regulate its levels. I had such hopes when the doctor told me no problem, we have a pill that will substitute for your missing thyroid. Bullshit!
And when I have to get a Pap smear or a Mammogram, it freaks me out because when I get the call that I have to come back in for a retest, it scares the hell out of me. In the past when I got “the call” it was no big deal. That’s because whether it was a breast biopsy or abnormal Pap, it never went further than that. Well, dang, those days are over. I can’t help but worry what might happen if . . . Why do we do that to ourselves? I constantly fool myself thinking I can deal with this, but deep down I am a nervous Nellie. I don’t want to be scared and I don’t want to deal.
I try to live each day in the present moment. Sometimes I want to dream about my future, what it will be like, but I can no longer do that, because I never know when I’m going to get “the call” that says you need to come back in.
Today is cloudy and dark. Hopefully tomorrow will be clear and bright.
Why does it feel so difficult to go with the flow? Help me understand how to deal, please?
Tags: cancer's impact on friendships, difficulty regulating thyroid post cancer, families and friends trying to understand thyroid cancer, fear of medical exams and tests, finding familial support with cancer, illnesses impact on friendships, post cancer thyroid disease, thyroid cancer, thyroid cancer blog, thyroid cancer support