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Thyroid, I am a Mama, Hear me Roar!

Post Published: 17 November 2010
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Category: Dear Thyroid Letters
This post currently has 4 responses. Leave a comment

Dear Thyroid,

Remember me? I was the fat kid, the too skinny teen, the depressed student, the sick pregnant lady and now the tired mummy – soon to be exhausted wife!

I’ve spent the last few years thinking something wasn’t right but they never checked you out. I was the hypochondriac, the one who lost jobs because I was too tired, sick, stressed, depressed for no reason whatsoever. There were times life just sucked with no explanation of why.

I am now 22. I am a proud mama of a 13 month old, who keeps me busy. I am getting married to a wonderful man early next year who loves me very much, but I am frustrated.

I went through an awful pregnancy, I was tired, sick and sore, like any mummy to be but there was the panic attacks in anywhere public, the rising blood pressure, the early labour, the unexplained fainting with no definitive brain response for 5 hours! There was a cancer scare, a car accident, losing my job! So when my son was born I was happy to not be pregnant and have any problems or stress anymore. Now this is where you made your presence known Thyroid. Yes I was tired, but I couldn’t sleep, I was dizzy, I had problems breathing, couldnt go out in public without having to take anti anxiety medication, I had shaking hands, horrible skin and hair, awful bowels, blurred vision, heat racing so fast I thought I was having a heart attack, hot then cold. It was put down to post partum normalities. I couldn’t breastfeed my son because my milk dried up.

Then we had to move. We moved with a 2 week old baby 1600km away to a town of less than 400 people and one doctor who did not like treating women. After 5 months of being told I was fine and not leaving my house, losing weight so fast, 1kg a day some days, I made them run every test they could and there you were, right there in black and white and you were broken and working overtime. Except now they didn’t know what to do as the nearest endocrinologist was 1600km away. So they pinned it down to post-partum thyroiditis and let me be, told me you’d fix yourself.

The world began to slow down, and I became too tired and sore, so we went back and did more tests and you were slow as well and I had far too many white blood cells. So now they gave me thyroxine to give you a kick in the bum to make me feel normal again. Soon it worked, or the tests showed this,so they took me off the tablets and expected you to work on your own, but you didn’t. So then I had to face that maybe I wasn’t getting better and they diagnosed me with Hashimotos.

It’s been nearly a year since we found out you weren’t working and my levels are finally within normal range, with medication, but I don’t think I’ll ever feel the same. I don’t like you. I don’t like what you’ve’ done to me. I don’t think I remember what its like to feel ‘normal’. Every day is different.

I blame you for losing me so many opportunities, I blame you for taking the first year of my sons life away because it’s like I saw it through a haze, I blame you for my fiancé being scared as to what will happen to me next. I blame you for making me dread my future and what things are to come, simple things like getting older, or having another baby have become complex and difficult and what if my children have this disease? What is supposed to be the best time of my life has turned into something of a nightmare since you reared your ugly head.

I wish more people would understand what it is you put me through, and I wish more people were aware of what you do. I am sick of having to explain why I feel the way I do, or why I have to tell my son I can’t play with him right now.

You’re broken and useless but you’re still here in my body. You start up every now and then causing my levels to fluctuate, but lets face it, you’re going to die.

So my dear Thyroid, I think it’s best we part ways. You certainly have made an impression on my life however it is time for me to move on and pretend we never met the way we did. Lets go back to being strangers in a crowd, I know you’re there, but I’m not going to stop you for a chat. I’m done putting my life on hold for you. I am going to face the future as it unfolds and embrace every chance I can, I want to prove that I can do with out you telling me what to do. And I’m going to do it better, for I have a son with two very small hands but somehow he manages to hold my whole heart, and I have a wonderful partner who gives me the strength I need to handle whatever comes my way!

Goodbye and farewell. Let’s not meet again…

Alisa.

(Bio) I am 22 and a very proud mummy of a 1 year old. I am getting married next year to the best guy in the world. I also have Hashimotos. I live very remote in Western-Australia which makes treatment and doctors to see hard, as they simply aren’t here. I am learning new things everyday and I am accepting things I cannot change and embracing that which there is to be excited for.

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4 Responses to “Thyroid, I am a Mama, Hear me Roar!”

  1. Robert says:

    G’day Alisa

    “for I have a son with two very small hands but somehow he manages to hold my whole heart”

    I have not read anything as beautiful as that in quite a while! Wow!

    You’re ahead of the game, you’ve identified your cloud’s silver lining. You’re going to be ok.

    Thank you for sharing

    My very best wishes, Robert.
    http://dearthyroid.org/why-hes-hes-hes-hypoman/

  2. Amanda says:

    Alisa,
    Wonderful letter. I hear your frustration, your love and strength. Thank you for sharing this.

    Amanda

  3. Judanna says:

    Alisa, in that area of West Queensland, I’m so glad you have that computer to reach out to all of us ! Promise us you will get out to Sydney soon for a biopsy & a base line PET/ CAT. It’s one thing to have Hashimoto’s but quite another to have Thyroid Cancer. That baby needs her mum ! Biopsies don’t always detect cancer & certain kinds that are common w/ Hashimoto’s are now starting in teens as young as 15 !

  4. alisa says:

    Thanks Robert, Amanda And Judanna!

    – We’re in Western Australia so nearest port of call is Perth, but yes, going down again soon and will touch base with my endo then!

    Been a long journey but finally starting to get some control back. 🙂

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