Membership in the Gland Canyon has its Benefits
Are you a new inductee into the Jacked Thyroid Club? Gosh, you must be itching and burning like a yeast infection to know what your immediate future holds, right?!
When American Express coined the phrase “Membership has its benefits” they weren’t kidding.
Dealing with the hordes of endocrinologists you’ll go through; in a year, a few years, or several years, regardless of frequency, is all doable as long as you remember that your endolicious diva or stud muffin is always right. S/he knows your body far better than you ever will. By accepting that off the bat, you’ll be off to a chipper start. Their astute knowledge of the endocrine system far outweighs yours. , Why you’ll feel stupid at every turn, thyroid induced, and by your endocringeologists. Fortunately, it’s a cumulative gift that keeps on giving.
Don’t thank us yet, we’re just getting started.
Katie is going to share the benefits from the hyperspective, so all you hyperellas out there, get a notepad because you sure as shit won’t remember any of this.
- That bone deep fatigue you feel no matter how many hours you sleep, you’re imagining it. It’s not real, similar to Howard Cosell’s toupee. If you’re lucky, you’ll end up needing one, too, depending on how much hair you lose. Oh, darn it, I’m giving all the goodies away.
- Let’s talk diarrhea, or more to the point, sacred interconnectedness between your rectum and your porcelain goddess. Thylovers, it’s far more meaningful than you ever dreamed possible, this unique brand of marital or partner bliss; why it’s what we all strive for to bond on this level. Your anus will keep you on the run, eliminating the need for a Blackberry or an iPhone to manage your schedule. The answers to where you’ll need to be all reside within your pucker pellet (talk about a great savings, that’s $3-500 in your pocket).
- Whether you’re a tweener (pre-teen), teenager, or a 20-60 something, the hand tremors and muscle weakness will be so thyrocious at times, you’ll think you have Parkinson’s or MS. Don’t you worry your pretty little head about that, though. Sure, those are autoimmune diseases, but it’s not like you have them. You just have a silly little thyroid problem. A snip here, a pill there, some radioactivity elsewhere and wah-la, you’re healed. Stop kvetching and keep on shaking!
- Hearts, like brains, are overrated. Vital shmital. Dozens of heart palpitations every 60-seconds, shortness of breath and a speedy heart rate is a brighter and healthier start to a gal’s day than a cup a’ Joe; plus, it’s cheaper. At the end of the week, I bet you’ll have saved at least $20. Money you would’ve spent on a latte, a cappuccino or a simple large drip. Treat yourself; spend it on something frivolous, like an automated blood pressure machine. ,
- Feeling enraged, homicidal, suicidal, schizophrenic, delusional, paranoid, bipolar-ee, is all part of your goal to work up to thyroid psychoses. If you achieve that, you can kill anyone, including yourself, and get away with it, guilt free.
- You’ll either blow up like a sphere, or in my case a Jew x 4 and end up living in oversized clothing. Or, if you’re truly blessed, you’ll be anorexic enough to wear a size 0. What fun!
- Say you plan lunch with a friend. During the course of the conversation, if you find yourself asking, “What did I just sayÃ¢â‚¬ 3-minutes into the conversation, and “What did you sayÃ¢â‚¬ 3-minutes later, and if you ask “What were we talking aboutÃ¢â‚¬ once you’re alone 30-minutes later, followed by “Did I go out to lunch todayÃ¢â‚¬ 60-minutes later, guess what, you’ve got thymentiaÃ¢”ž¢. Bravo!, ,
- Should you live in an area that’s suffering from a cruel and unforgiving drought, pat yourself on the back. You’ll be able to make a difference in so many people’s lives. Just getting out of bed and walking to the bathroom will yield enough perspiration to fill a stream, a pond, or a water well.
There’s a bevy of other hyperlicious symptoms you can look forward to that we’ll pass along in the future. We just didn’t feel it was appropriate, to overwhelm you with the biggies.
Liz has a pretty good grasp on all things hypo. Trust us, she knows it all firsthand. You can’t make this shit up.
- , Your skin color will oscillate between a florescent yellow and a stark pale white, which, either way, will make people think you’re strung out (which is even more amplified the day after getting blood work when you have massive bruises on your arms).
- Your hair might change color (or thickness, or you may lose most of it completely) and people will ask why you dyed it that unflattering shade (or why you styled it like that). As if you had the choice.
- You will gain weight and others will try to console you with something like, “You have a thyroid problem?, Now everything makes sense”, which is a sort of nice way of calling you fat.
- Your body will start playing tricks on you, for example, being sleepy when you have to be awake, and being so awake when you are finally allowed to sleep.
- You will never be able to finish a damn sentence because ideas will vaporize in thin air, right before your eyes; your brain won’t be able to retrieve the most basic words, which will make everyone think English isn’t really your first language.
- Your vagina will stop working. If anyone starts asking questions, just say you’re asexual and always have been.
- You can try to read a newspaper or book or article, but trust me, eventually you’ll just start thinking about how sleepy you really are, or how your vagina stopped working.
- Your phlebotomist will know you by name.
- You will know what a phlebotomist is.
- You will shit a brick and probably cry like a little idiot (I always do) when you find someone else who knows anything about your disease, or better yet, has it themselves.
- You will shake your head at Oprah Winfrey.
- Your bladder will be the size of a penny. You will be familiar with every public restroom from here to BFE. ,
- If you’re really fucking lucky, your body will break out in the worst case of hives known to man and your entire back, stomach, arms, legs, and face will itch and burn, especially as you are trying to fall asleep (impossible).
- Your heart might start racing all erratic and so fast like it’s gonna pop out your chest, and then you’ll get all confused/excited because maybe your vagina is actually starting to work again!, But an EKG will prove it was just your thyroid being an asshole and blood wasn’t rushing anywhere else, actually.
WELCOME ABOARD and good luck to ya.