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Coffee, the Morning Paper, and a Little Ball of Hate

Post Published: 08 July 2010
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Category: Dear Thyroid Letters
This post currently has 13 responses. Leave a comment

Dear Thyroid,

Today, I totally hate you! I recognize the symptoms that have been creeping back into my life unwelcome. The snapping at my loved ones, the fatigue, the lack of zest in my life, the unhealthy hair, the emotional roller coaster, and my favorite—never feeling like I am truly rested. Like I woke up after a few hours of sleep because I have been at a drunken party.

Granted, I am five and a half months pregnant. But, I can tell the difference between thyroid and pregnancy symptoms. I hate you! I am not okay today! I do not want to accept the fact that I have Hashimotos today!

I want a healthy thyroid. I don’t want this pity party, but I’m having a hard time moving past it. I am just so damn tired. I feel the love and concern of those around me. And, while it warms my heart, it does not change the fact that I feel like crap, inside and out.

So, I hate you. I am distressed that I have to deal with this. That it is not an easy fix. That I will be on the roller coaster of Hashimoto hell all my life. Sometimes, incredible highs. And, sometimes so low that I feel like I am in hell.

In resentment of you,

Amy

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13 Responses to “Coffee, the Morning Paper, and a Little Ball of Hate”

  1. amy says:

    Okay. So, I just got labs done and they were totally normal. But, I still am really glad that I wrote this . It sure did release some pent up anger of why am I feeling so crappy?! I am cautioned by my DR to be careful w/sugar and carbs(even though I do not eat grains)b/c of insulin resistance. It does seem like some of those symptoms could be IR related. Blood work on that soon. My DR already sent me the paperwork on it. Having health issues and pregnancy can be scary. I just want to be as health as I can be not only for me but for the babe I carry…

  2. Linda says:

    Amy, I understand almost completely. I feel like this most of the time. The only part different is that I have never been pregnant. When you said “I feel the love and concern of those around me. And, while it warms my heart, it does not change the fact that I feel like crap, inside and out.” I cried. Deep down I know I do have a few supporters and people that truly care, but when I feel like crap I have a very hard time seeing or feeling “the love”. Thank you so much for this letter. It really made me feel less alone. Stay strong.
    Big Hug!
    Linda

  3. alisa says:

    I had hashimotos while pregnant! Caused high blood pressure and hypoglycaemia and alot of panic attacks… but my doctors put it down to pregnancy, wasnt until 5 months after my son was born they diagnosed me. They spent that 5 months telling me I had PND.

    I am so thankful my son is healthy, I am so angry they didn’t test for it, which was supposed to have been routine.

    I can understand how awful it is to have thyroid problems during pregnancy… and I am very worried about being pregnant again. I fainted for 5 hours due to thyroid related problems – later diagnosed – And my brain stopped functioning as normal for that time.. they still left me in the dark.. I don’t want that to happen again.

    I live very remote.. so thyroid problems arnt known much about, and theres a doctor rarely… and being pregnant would have me sent 1400km away..! So were holding off on #2.

    I hope you start to feel more normal again..!

  4. amy says:

    Linda, thanks for the comment! You know, people who really love us still can’t completely understand what we go through unless they too have thyroid problems.

    Alisa, I believe that I got Hashi’s at the end of my last preg. And it went undiagnosed for over a year b/c my lab work was borderline/ I try not to think about that. Makes me mad! I had a lot of fear issues to work through before this preg. It is a planned one. Once, I started feeling better(thyroid regulated IR under control) I realized a desire hidden with in the depths of my heart…I did want a second child and so did my husband. So, if you want another child I really hope that you can get to that spot! It has been a very hard six months! Thank goodness only three more to go. I can’t wait to hold my son(I have a three and a half yr old daughter)and nurse him! Keeps me going! I am aware of everything that I do need to be aware of. It is a big step of faith for me. Thank you for your comment!

  5. Amy, thanks for sharing with us. Accepting that we will be dealing with thyroid disease for the rest of our lives is hard. Nothing about this is easy. I’m so glad that you have a beautiful baby boy propelling you forward. I hope the rest of your pregnancy is a high rather than a low!

    xoxo,
    Joanna

  6. Sarah Downing says:

    Hey Amy,

    Thank you very much for writing this letter. This topic is so pertinent for so many women with thyroid disease. Personally, I have decided against pregnancy because I am scared about the hormone fluctuations and the possible stress on my body, as well as passing on Hashimoto’s to my next of kin.

    I realise that some people feel this deep need to have their own offspring, a “part of them”, and I understand that, but for me I would be happy with adopting if we ever decide we do want to have kids. It pisses me off big time that I even have to think about these issues when it seems like everyone around me is either getting pregnant or is pregnant and many people seem to think it is the natural thing to do.

    I wish you lots of luck with getting your health issues sorted. I really admire you for being so brave because I know what a tough challenge it must be.

    I have often thought about writing a column on precisely this topic. The experiences of women with thyroid disease in trying to get pregnant and carry a successful pregnancy. I think it would be an important topic to write more about. Let me know if you want to contribute! Thank you for contributing to my upcoming article on our experiences with good doctors – I am so glad you have a good doctor (I’m assuming you are the Amy on my friends list, right?)

    Love,

    Sarah

  7. Bee says:

    I find hypot, hashi’s, and pregnancy posts so interesting. I wasn’t diagnosed till my 53rd yr. But looking back, i can pinpoint many times in my life where i feel i exhibited symptoms. I imagine i’ve been borderline hypo or subclinical for yrs…could explain the 3 miscarriages i had b4 ever carrying a living child.. and then I almost lost my next child and ended up on bed rest for 2 mo. and they were both preemies.Hang in there sweetie…this too shall pass . We all have crappy days. I don’t think there’s anyway around them.

  8. Lori says:

    Amy – I’m proud of you for taking that step.

    I’m sure I was hypo or subhypo as far back as my teens. I am grateful I delivered two healthy babies, although somehow I knew something was wrong. I never needed birth control and they were the only two pregnancies. I lost one tube and ovary after my second child was born and the uterus at age 32, which I’m sure my thyroid had something to do with. I was not diagnosed until I was 48 with Hashimoto’s, two years ago now, but I can only imagine how things would have been if I had been diagnosed even just 20 years ago.

    Be proud of yourself for how far you’ve come since your daughter was born and that you are fulfilling yours and your husband’s dream of having another child. As I’m sure you know, when you hold your son in your arms it will all be worth it.

  9. amy says:

    Joanna, Bee, Sarah, and Lori, Thanks for the comments and support! I have been very lucky. I have not had a miscarriage. As soon as I faced my fears and decided this is what I want one month later I was pregnant! Meant to be!

    Sarah. I think this is a great topic to write an article on! There is not a ton of info out there on it. And, yes, I am the same Amy from the friend list! Would be willing to share more if you need it!

  10. Sarah Downing says:

    Hey Amy,

    It is great that it worked out this way for you. I’d love for you to contribute to an article. If anyone else reading would like to contribute, please mail me at: sarah@dearthyroid.org.

    Thanks!

    Sarah

  11. Dear Thyroid says:

    Amy;

    Very proud of you, doll! You’ve been through a lot, it seems, and from what you wrote.

    Though this is a difficult time in your life, it’s also an amazing time in your life, of course. I am so glad that you’re talking about it and sharing with us.

    YOU’RE DOING IT. You’re getting through it. And, you don’t have to go through it alone. We’re all here for you. And, VERY EXCITED FOR YOU!

    Graves disease is genetic in my family and skips a generation. It’s so odd the way it works. My grandmother had it, but none of her sisters did. My cousin and I have it. We each have 4 siblings (no disease). The manifestation of GD in our family is so specific.

    If I chose to have children, I think I’d feel great knowing that I could impart my knowledge of this disease to my loin fruit and their offspring.

    KEEP AT IT, KID, YOU’RE DOING GREAT.

    Katie-

  12. Bernadette says:

    I had Hashimoto’s while pregnant (although no one would really say that…UGH!)the last time too. (baby is now 14 months). I had some crazy symptoms as well…heart palps, bad anxiety, extreme fatigue and others…I knew they were not just pregnancy related, but I was dismissed over & over by the doctors. My labs showed fine, so I’m fine..right? WRONG!!! It was beyond tough…I can’t even begin to describe. I survived it somehow, but 6 months after was another story.

    I would have loved to have one more child, but I just can’t. It’s more important for me to get healthy now for the ones I have. I am still on recovery road right now…it was all just too much for me. I also, as others said, worried about passing on the autoimmune gene, as it seems to be in my family. But at least I now have the knowledge to take care of myself and/or family just in case!!!

    I hope everything goes well for you…such an exciting time!!!! You know your body & what is or isn’t right..stay strong!! Take care of yourself…lots of extra rest! (minimize stress!!) Now’s a good time to bank on the fatigue part! 🙂 Soon you’ll have that precious little guy in your arms!

  13. Lolly says:

    Amy

    First of all congratulations on your pregnancy and hope everything goes to plan and at the end a lovely bundle of joy.

    I don’t blame you recenting this disease, we never asked for the IT to come into our lives and turn our world upside down, never knowing from one day to the next how we will be feeling, not getting enough sleep or sleeping but never truly feelng you have.

    I hope by the time little baby comes along you have the strength and support to get you through the hard days and are able to rest when you can.

    I wish you all the best and hope that you can get on an even keel with your thyroid.

    Good luck with your pregnancy.

    Lolly

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