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Trying To Choose Life, Thyroid, But You’re Literally, Physically and Psychologically KILLING ME!

Post Published: 24 August 2010
Author:
Category: Dear Thyroid Letters
This post currently has 26 responses. Leave a comment

Dear Thyroid,

I haven’t decided yet if I love you or hate you, and I’m pretty sure your feelings toward me are just as undecided.

I don’t even know if you’re the reason I’m losing my mind or if you’re just a convenient scapegoat that I have invented to absorb the extra self-loathing that I can no longer contain. I’m pretty sure that you’re the cause of all this.

You can play innocent and hide behind those borderline labs for a while; you can keep quietly growing and pretend the mood swings aren’t your fault. I cry, I scream, I break things, I cry some more, and then I fantasize about putting my face through a glass window, or maybe taking a swan-dive from that certain cliff, or maybe…maybe I’m just genuinely fucking nuts. Only a crazy person uses suicidal thoughts as the pressure release valve that gets her through her day, right?

The thing is, my darling little gland, I didn’t use to be a crazy person. Up until 3 years ago, which by some strange coincidence is exactly when your labs became a little off, I was the rock that everyone else counted on. I was grounded, patient, kind, and fortunate to have a mind and memory that held ideas like a steel trap.

Something sure came along and wiped that amazing woman out of existence, and you’re the one with her tail feathers hanging out of your grinning mouth. You can blame away the crazy all you want, but how do you explain the clumps of hair in the tub, on the floor, in the brush, in the strangest damn places? I find a piece of my hair where it shouldn’t be found at least 10 times a day.

Is it just a coincidence that I suddenly developed insomnia for the first time in my life? Strange too, that the beta blocker that has kept my errant heart in check for 12 years just suddenly stopped working and the old familiar racing is back. Are you suicidal too?

I want to keep you, I want us to be whole together, but the doctor thinks that you should go. I’m on the fence, so stop trying to push me over it.

Sadie Mac

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26 Responses to “Trying To Choose Life, Thyroid, But You’re Literally, Physically and Psychologically KILLING ME!”

  1. Hypogirl says:

    Sadie,
    You haven’t gone crazy and blaming your Thyroid is the right thing. Now – if they’d only own up to their mistakes and correct them.

  2. Donna says:

    Hi Sadie,

    Your words speak to me on a very deep level. You are not alone. You are not crazy. I sat for a few years thinking all the same thoughts as you. It took me awhile to realize that I had to find another way, that something had to give, that I could not stop living because of this awful disease. Shit, it took me time to realize it was because of the disease. I lived in denial, thought because the cancer was gone everything was fine.

    I don’t have a thyroid and synthroid rules my life. It has to be the right dose or I’m just a mess, physically and psychologically. I’m hyper now and would not wish it on anyone. I have a great internist now and my endo is working in partnership with us and slwly but surely I see myself, the me I used to be, coming back.

    I hope you have a doctor you trust and that you explore every avenue before you make your decision. I am generally positive about how we can take control of our disease(s) but when it comes to depending upon thyroid replacement meds I am hesitant because of my own personal experience. I understand if you have exhausted all other options though and some people do great on replacement meds, it’s just a matter of getting the dose right and staying on top of it because what is right today may not be a few months later. Our bodies change.

    Please keep us in the loop. We care and want to be here for you. If you decide to have your thyroid removed we will be here for you every step of the way. And if you don’t, we are still here to listen and support you through it.

    My very best to you. I know it is not easy honey.

    Donna xo

  3. Debbie says:

    Sadie,

    Unfortunately, i am quite the expert on this subject. In the 2 years since being diagnosed with a thyroid problem, i have attempted suicide many times, the police have been called to my house 5 times, and i’ve been put in a mental hospital twice.

    Before my diagnosis, i never thought about suicide. I was a happy, outgoing person, who loved life. My whole personality changed when i got thyroid disease. I hate the person i’ve become. I’m a recluse, who never wants to leave the house, i don’t want to see, or talk to anybody, i think about death 24/7, i cry everyday for hours, i don’t sleep, i have horrible anxiety, and sometimes i just feel like i’m going insane. Just try and explain to people that you use to be completely normal, until your thyroid went crazy ( no pun intended ). They don’t believe you.

    I know in my heart, i will end up dead from this disease. I can’t stand living like this, and don’t want to be like this for the rest of my life. Friends and family have abandoned me. They just think i’m nuts now. I really have nothing to live for anyways. I feel the person i use to be died a long time ago.

    I just started on my 6th medication. None of them work. I’m exhausted and frustrated, trying to fight something that will never get better. I sit and wait for the next time i feel so bad, i don’t want to be here anymore. And i know that time will come again.

    Thyroid disease stole my life from me.

  4. Tina says:

    I have no words to say… Just tears falling from my face. Not so much because I sympathize with u…but its because I am u… No one around me feel what I feel but when I read just the title u took the words from my mouth and put it on paper… All I can do is cry because I feel the same way… And just this morning I feel all alone no one understands nor comprehends it’s great if u care it’s great if u love me it’s great if u sympathize with me… But ur not Me u don’t know what goes on in my head the pain the anguish I feel unless ur me. I feel like I am at my breaking point… I feel like I am wearing bi focals my vision is so blurry then I realize Tina those are just tears… I am asking u Lord to turn everything around… Double 4 our trouble… Everything that was lost… Im takin it all back my life my mind i could go on and on and on….Thank u ladies I wish i could have a group hug right now…

  5. Cate says:

    Sadie and Debbie:

    Wanting to be free of this prison of pain and self-doubt is not crazy. Longing for everything lost to ignorance and indifference – the worst toxins of all – is not insane. What keeps me going when I want to end my suffering, even when love for my daughters does not, is the compassion I feel for all of us, and my refusal to let apathy win.

    Cate

  6. Tracy says:

    I can so relate to your post. I have thoughts like that from time to time only because I feel so awful and can’t find a doctor that will help me feel normal. They just want to rip my thyroid out and stick me on Synthroid and call it a day. I have read so much on the Stop the Thyroid Maddness website and am trying my best to help myself. I have hope that I can do it.
    The only thing that truely keeps me from taking my life is that I have four beautiful little girls that love and need their mommy, and I need them too.

  7. Michelle says:

    Hang in there. You can get yourself back, its just a bit of a challenge.

    Choose what you want to do yourself, look at natural options before killing the thyroid. It’s permanent and you cannot go back, but only you can decide, just do not be pushed into decisions by doctors. I chose to keep my, and now I am in remission and feeling better.

    Fight back, get some clip-in extensions, get your make-up done, exercise and diet to put the little bastard in its place. I do facial exercises that reduced the eye swelling to a point where it is invisible now. Don’t allow the thyroid to take away the woman inside…you are beautiful, and feel confident is 75% of looking it. Take antidepressants and don’t let it get you down. You can win!!!

  8. Linny says:

    My dearest Sadie, Mac, Donna, debbie, Trina, Cate,
    I have been to this Hell you speak of. I have felt my lowest low. Maybe some of my things were a little different but not by much.
    What I am wanting to tell you is I am getting better. I do have a way to go, but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. In hindsight I might have agreed to some different treatments. But the long way around it is I am better.
    I want this to happen to all of you, and those of you reading these comments but are truely one of “us”. Please just keep fighting. Don’t go out on us. Everyone who has been to this place can share your feelings of hopelessness. But don’t give up. You can be on the otherside of this thing.
    I don’t claim to have the magic answer. But I do believe you can beat this to a degree you will find pleasures again.

  9. dear Thyroid says:

    Sadie -this wasa not an easy letter to pen. Those raw, overpowering feelings are so real. Having been thyroid psychotic, et al; I know this muile. Sadly, too many of us walj it in varying degrees.

    We have to qrite about it and talk about it. Psychiatric issues among thyroid patients are dangerously real.

    Sadie – lean hard. Let us catch you. And know that you are not alone. Keep reaching out and keep talking.

  10. stranazingarella says:

    I understand how you feel. I used to be good with words too, but my non-thryoid has wiped that ability off the plate.

  11. Denise says:

    OMG…I have been thru the same thing when I first found out,Although I did not go thru the wanting to kill myself….I think because my Doctor reconized my symptoms right fromm the start when I did not feel like myself with the cryinglosing weight and the thoughts of dying all the time, he had the thyroid checked right away and put me on Cymbalta (antidepressant) which was also used for the pain I was feeling in my calfs. I have been to an Endo…..after about a year went into remmision. Then a couple of months later blood work came back abnormal,went back on meds, 3 months later normal again.(no meds) I have not had it removed nor swallowed any pill. I believe the antidepressant has helped, plus my eating habits, less meat and walk a mile everynight. I think I am going to see a homopathic doc this time because noone is getting to the root of why this has happened to us. Thank the Lord I feel like myself again, and I can’t think about what if it comes back.My heart goes out to all of you and I am so glad that this is this site that we all can relate to.

  12. Linny says:

    Has anybody heard about COPPER??? I have read some interesting things lately…..how about you?

  13. Linny says:

    Thyroid and immune system health are crucially dependent upon copper. As far as I can see now, copper deficiency is the most important factor in the development of hyperthyroidism. Virtually all hypers in the hyperthyroidism group have found that copper supplementation reduced their symptoms, usually within hours or a few days at most. Most have reported that within three to six months of beginning copper supplementation, they have been able to significantly reduce their intake of antithyroid drugs.

    While copper is the big story in hyperthyroidism, it is not the whole story. If it were, it would have been discovered years ago. Proper copper metabolism interrelates with and depends upon many other nutrients.

    • jillautumn says:

      Linny,

      Thanks for sharing the info on Copper. This is the first I have heard about it. I will definitely do some reading!!!

  14. Dear Thyroid says:

    Love this conversation. LOVE THIS SUPPORT.

    We’ve had lots of patient perspective posts and a psychiatrist weigh in on the severity of thyroid psychiatric issues patients endure.

    In doing research, I have learned (and discussed with Shrinktail), autoimmune encepholitis, aside from Hashimoto’s eneph. VREY INTERETSING.

    Our brains do change when our thyroid is imbalanced. Of course there are varying degrees…

    Just my IMO

  15. jillautumn says:

    Beautiful letter. Everything I would want to say has already been said. I’ve been there, done that and still visit often. I truly thought I was CRAZY until I came acrossed Dear Thyroid. I miss who I use to be also and my memory has gone on vacation, but I hope to get back to being me one day.

    Thanks for such a wonderful letter.

  16. Dear Thyroid says:

    I’m hearing a lot of thyroid related SEVERE DEPRESSION. too many of us have walked this mile.

    Please do me a favor:
    1. If you ever feel like you are going to commit suicide, want to commit suicide or have a plan to commit suicide or anything else, please call: call 1-800-273-8255

    Please read the following posts regarding thyroid induced mental illness:

    Dr. Bremner – Thyroid psychiatric issues in patients: http://dearthyroid.org/psychiatric-manifestations-in-thyroid-patients-written-by-douglas-bremner-md/

    Patient Perspective Posts on psychiatric manifestations. http://dearthyroid.org/thyme-for-some-literary-healing-part-viii/http://dearthyroid.org/thyme-for-some-literary-healing-part-vii/

  17. sadiemac says:

    Thank you all so much for your love, support, suggestions, and well wishes. This amazing community has empowered me to move forward when no one else could. Just knowing that I wasn’t alone and I wasn’t crazy was enough to knock me out of a 3 year rut and get started reclaiming my life. I started on Methimazole recently and I’ve got my fingers crossed. I am really struggling to reach back through that fog and remember the things about me that are worth holding on to because I’m so very tired of trying to live without them. As I’m sure many of you understand, I have good days and I have bad. Today was a very, very good day. I think what I’m feeling is hope, and I didn’t think that I could feel that one anymore.

  18. Dear Thyroid says:

    Sadie – you did good, kid. You really did. this was not easy to pen, nor was it easy to share. THE TRUTH IS, THE REALITY AND THE DAMN VILE SHITTY PART OF THIS; is being made to feel like we are crazy by some folks in the medical community. And, and, and, FEELING LIKE THIS. It’s not you; it’s your thyroid. You don’t have to get through it alone. KEEP WRITING. KEEP TALKING. KEEP SHARING. Those feelings are damn powerful. They feel so all encompassing and real. It’s as if a wall a thousand feet high is above us and we can’t, no matter how hard we try, scale it.

    We can. We will. We do. Together as a thyamily.

    Very proud of you.

    xo

  19. Linda says:

    Sadie,
    This spoke to me also, on a very deep level. I’ve always had “psych” problems (panic attack/depression) but managed to get through w/ meds and a large sense of humor. Then I went through menopause (yep, lost those sex hormones) and all hell broke loose. The Hashimoto’s that was just under the surface of all my “psych” problems over the years went full force. I started swelling up (edema) sleeping too much, no sleeping enough, insomnia, hypersomnia, losing gobs of hair, crying endlessly, no energy to even take a shower (I’d go a week sometimes two) insane mood swings, anger, rage, you NAME it. Suicidal thoughts are so common with this SHIT…and that’s what it is SHIT.
    Just know you’re not alone, there are so many of us out there with feelings just like yours. But there are also so many out there who have found a Dr. that actually KNOWS how to treat thyroid and have regained their lives. Don’t give up, don’t let this sick fucking gland take your life from you….there IS hope, I’ve seen it over and over again….Big love and big hugs to you.

  20. faith72 says:

    I enjoyed this letter this sounds like me this past Monday. I had enough dealing with everything with not having depression and moods of rage.Thank you for your story.

  21. Maria Minno says:

    Wow I totally understand, because I was there! But guess what? I’m back, and I did it all without going to a medical doctor. Not one doctor. Not any thyroid surgery, radiation, and absolutely no drugs. And I am getting so much better! My hair is getting thicker, my energy is way up, I never think about killing myself anymore, and I’m not afraid to go out and be with people. I did it all with good nutrition, especially plenty of iodine and fermented cod liver oil and lots of butter and raw milk. You would not believe how much raw milk! If I hadn’t done these these things I know I’d be dead right now. But I’m going to be 55 in October instead of dead! Thank you for leading me to such good healing food! Bless you thyroid friends, and I wish you the best in your recovery and your discovery on this journey.

  22. Mrsjewelofthenile says:

    Sadie,
    This letter really touched my heart. I could not have put it into better words myself. The past two years this is exactly how I have been feeling. You’re not alone, don’t ever forget that. Thank you for writing such touching letter!

  23. endlessquestforanswers says:

    Thank you all ~ lots of love

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