Trying To Choose Life, Thyroid, But You’re Literally, Physically and Psychologically KILLING ME!
I haven’t decided yet if I love you or hate you, and I’m pretty sure your feelings toward me are just as undecided.
I don’t even know if you’re the reason I’m losing my mind or if you’re just a convenient scapegoat that I have invented to absorb the extra self-loathing that I can no longer contain. I’m pretty sure that you’re the cause of all this.
You can play innocent and hide behind those borderline labs for a while; you can keep quietly growing and pretend the mood swings aren’t your fault. I cry, I scream, I break things, I cry some more, and then I fantasize about putting my face through a glass window, or maybe taking a swan-dive from that certain cliff, or maybe…maybe I’m just genuinely fucking nuts. Only a crazy person uses suicidal thoughts as the pressure release valve that gets her through her day, right?
The thing is, my darling little gland, I didn’t use to be a crazy person. Up until 3 years ago, which by some strange coincidence is exactly when your labs became a little off, I was the rock that everyone else counted on. I was grounded, patient, kind, and fortunate to have a mind and memory that held ideas like a steel trap.
Something sure came along and wiped that amazing woman out of existence, and you’re the one with her tail feathers hanging out of your grinning mouth. You can blame away the crazy all you want, but how do you explain the clumps of hair in the tub, on the floor, in the brush, in the strangest damn places? I find a piece of my hair where it shouldn’t be found at least 10 times a day.
Is it just a coincidence that I suddenly developed insomnia for the first time in my life? Strange too, that the beta blocker that has kept my errant heart in check for 12 years just suddenly stopped working and the old familiar racing is back. Are you suicidal too?
I want to keep you, I want us to be whole together, but the doctor thinks that you should go. I’m on the fence, so stop trying to push me over it.
Tags: beta blockers for thyroid, But You’re Literally, forgetfulness, hair failling out, heart palpitations, hyperthyroid blog, hyperthyroid patient letters, hyperthyroid patients writings, hyperthyroid support, hyperthyroidism, mood swings, Physically and Psychologically KILLING ME! Dear Thyroid letter written by SadieMac, psychological manifestations of thyroid disorders, suicidal ideation's, thyroid, Trying To Choose Life